Respect and Kindness: Navigating Cancer
By Kaley Johnson
The final Respect and Kindness Lunch and Learn focused on cancer survivors, caretakers of people with cancer, and how to best support coworkers with a cancer diagnosis. Many on the call shared their personal experience and what helped or did not help them after they were diagnosed with cancer. Kathy McLean, Vice President of Brand and Experience, led the discussion and shared her own story of surviving breast cancer.
Some cancer survivors said it was difficult to ask for help or know what they needed; to help others, the group put together several lists on how best to support coworkers diagnosed with cancer or people who are caring for someone with cancer.
To help others understand what it's like to have cancer, Kathy read aloud a written piece by Caitlin Feeley called “What it’s Really Like to Receive a Cancer Diagnosis.”
Supporting someone with cancer:
- Listen and allow them to share their feelings openly. Don’t make the conversation about you or your feelings.
- Offer to help with everyday tasks such as house cleaning, laundry, lawn care, car maintenance, walking dogs or caring for pets and cleaning out the refrigerator. It might help to offer to do those tasks specifically instead of asking “how can I help?” The person might already feel overwhelmed; offering to do a specific task may be less overwhelming.
- Don’t always give food: many people shared that going through chemotherapy makes eating difficult and food isn’t always the best gift.
- Just show up: watch a movie, play cards, hang out and listen. Don’t talk about cancer if the other person doesn’t want to.
- Treat the person as you normally would: someone with cancer may already feel like their life is abnormal. “Any sense of normalcy helps you concentrate on something other than cancer,” Kathy said. “It’s also nice to know people think of you the same way they always have.”
- If the person is open to it, send scarves and hats. Hair loss can feel like an awkward topic, but sometimes it’s more awkward to not acknowledge it, some people on the call said.
- Thoughtful gifts help; one woman said her leadership team would come up with a cute gift for every chemo treatment she had, which meant a lot.
How leaders and managers can help:
- Make sure the person knows their health is the priority. One woman shared that her boss told her if she ever had to choose between a doctor’s appointment and a meeting, her medical needs should always come first.
- If you have permission, share updates with the team so the person doesn’t have to tell each person individually.
- Give the person permission to feel; let them know they are safe to have whatever feelings they have about their diagnosis.
- Sit down with the person and prioritize their workload with them. Help them feel comfortable letting you or others assist with their workload.
- Create a relaxation room or space if possible.
How to support caretakers:
- Make sure the person knows their loved one’s health comes first. Be understanding of time off needed for medical appointments and caretaker tasks.
- Help with tasks around house if needed.
- Give them a gift card for a massage or other self-care to help them take time for themselves.
What NOT to say or do to someone with cancer:
- “It’s only hair.”
- “I know how you feel” (unless you really do know).
- Any statement beginning with “at least” such as “at least they caught it early”.
- “Just cut “em off, you don’t need ‘em” in response to a breast cancer diagnosis.
- “Everything happens for a reason”.
- “I don’t know how you’re going through this without being married”.
- “You’re gonna be fine” or “It's going to be okay”.
- Second guess the treatment plan or offer other treatments.
- Suggesting “natural” or “alternative” treatments.
- Talking about someone else who died of the same cancer.
- Talking about how bad chemo, surgery or radiation was for your friend or other loved one.
Other resources for people with cancer or who have a loved one with cancer:
- Joan Katz Cancer Resource Center at Baylor Scott and White: a free resource that helps cancer patients prepare for treatment and determine questions to ask doctors , and offers a nurse navigator to help navigate care.
- Bright Horizons: An employee benefit that provides respite care for cancer patients under the direct care of Cook Children’s employees. Program offers up to 10 uses of services per year for a child or adult/relative.
- ACS Caregivers & Family resources
- Care ATC offers, another Cook Children's benefit. It offers confidential mental health counseling at its center on Henderson Street in Fort Worth.
- Cancer Care Services provides therapy for free for entire family. They also have many other resources for patients and families.
During the Lunch & Learn, Kathy read a piece by Caitlin Feeley that gives an amazing analogy about her cancer journey that has resonated with others who've been through it too.
Chased by A Mountain Lion
What’s it like to go through cancer treatment?
It’s something like this: one day, you’re minding your own business, you open the fridge to get some breakfast, and OH MY GOD THERE’S A MOUNTAIN LION IN YOUR FRIDGE.
Wait, what? How? Why is there a mountain lion in your fridge? NO TIME TO EXPLAIN. RUN! THE MOUNTAIN LION WILL KILL YOU! UNLESS YOU FIND SOMETHING EVEN MORE FEROCIOUS TO KILL IT FIRST!
So you take off running, and the mountain lion is right behind you. You know the only thing that can kill a mountain lion is a bear, and the only bear is on top of the mountain, so you better find that bear. You start running up the mountain in hopes of finding the bear. Your friends desperately want to help, but they are powerless against mountain lions, as mountain lions are godless killing machines. But they really want to help, so they’re cheering you on and bringing you paper cups of water and orange slices as you run up the mountain and yelling at the mountain lion, “GET LOST, MOUNTAIN LION, NO ONE LIKES YOU.” And you really appreciate the support, but the mountain lion is still coming.
Also, for some reason, there’s someone in the crowd who’s yelling “that’s not really a mountain lion, it’s a puma” and another person yelling “I read that mountain lions are allergic to kale, have you tried rubbing kale on it?”
As you’re running up the mountain, you see other people fleeing their own mountain lions. Some of the mountain lions seem comparatively wimpy - they’re half grown and only have three legs or whatever, and you think to yourself - why couldn’t I have gotten one of those mountain lions? But then you look over at the people who are fleeing mountain lions the size of a monster truck with huge prehistoric saber fangs, and you feel like an a**h*** for even thinking that. And besides, who in their right mind would want to fight a mountain lion, even a three-legged one?
Finally, the person closest to you, whose job it is to take care of you - maybe a parent or sibling or best friend or, in my case, my husband - comes barging out of the woods and jumps on the mountain lion, whaling on it and screaming “G**D***** MOUNTAIN LION, STOP TRYING TO EAT MY WIFE” and the mountain lion punches your husband right in the face. Now your husband (or whomever) is rolling around on the ground clutching their nose, and they've bought you some time, but you still need to get to the top of the mountain.
Eventually you reach the top, finally, and the bear is there. Waiting. For both of you. You rush right up to the bear, and the bear rushes the mountain lion, but the bear has to go through you to get to the mountain lion, and in doing so, the bear TOTALLY KICKS YOUR A**, but not before it also punches your husband in the face. And your husband is now staggering around with a black eye and bloody nose, and saying, “can I get some help, I’ve been punched in the face by two apex predators, and I think my nose is broken,” and all you can say is “I’M KIND OF BUSY IN CASE YOU HADN’T NOTICED I’M FIGHTING A MOUNTAIN LION.”
Then, IF YOU ARE LUCKY, the bear leaps on the mountain lion and they are locked in epic battle until finally the two of them roll off a cliff edge together, and the mountain lion is dead.
Maybe. You’re not sure - it fell off the cliff, but mountain lions are crafty. It could come back at any moment.
And all your friends come running up to you and say “that was amazing! You’re so brave, we’re so proud of you! You didn’t die! That must be a huge relief!”
Meanwhile, you blew out both your knees, you’re having an asthma attack, you twisted your ankle, and also you have been mauled by a bear. And everyone says “boy, you must be excited to walk down the mountain!” And all you can think as you stagger to your feet is “f*** this mountain, I never wanted to climb it in the first place.”
Sequel from Julia Tugwell
So you’ve beaten the lion. But every day you have to open the fridge. For a while you expect the lion to be there every day. But it’s not. Eventually you can open the fridge with no fear. Some mornings you even forget about there was ever a lion in there. Some days you even forget about what the bear did to you.
Ten months after my lion I opened the fridge and found a mountain lion cub. No one was sure if this cub would turn into a mountain lion or not. It may just run away and grow up somewhere else, or if I kept it it may turn into the most ferocious mountain lion ever seen and kill me. But when you’ve had a run in with a lion you try your best to avoid another.
The guys who know best about lions say they can take the kitten away, just to be safe. As it’s not a full-grown mountain lion they don’t need a full-grown bear to kick it’s a**. A bear cub will do. Even bear cubs scratch.
Three more times I’ve opened that fridge and found a mountain lion cub.
Once I did just ‘watch and wait’ to see if it was going to leave or get bigger. It did get bigger and that meant a bigger bear cub was needed to sort it out before it became an adult. That one tore a chunk off me.
But everyday you’ve got to open the fridge. Imagine that? How mentally exhausting to live in a state of perpetual uncertainty and fear. Because it’s such a horrible way to live most people who have had a brush with a mountain lion find that they do their very best to make the best of every day. That adds to the pressure. Many survivors find it a great help to lend a hand to others still running up the mountain.
This year I found another cub. Just sitting there one day. These cubs clearly love me. Another bear, not adult, but adolescent was found to dispatch this cub. The mountains the cubs live on aren’t as tall. But by the time you’ve spent 3 years running up mountains you are totally knackered.
Being a lion fighting, bear cub finding, mountain climbing person can be pretty dull for those around you. They’ve never found a lion in their fridge. The first time they are curious, they are pushing you along. By the 3rd or 4th time it’s only those who are absolutely closest to you that even turn up to watch let alone lend a hand.
Most recently I opened the fridge and whilst there was no lion, nor cub, there were a few footprints in the butter. Lion experts looked and couldn’t be sure if there was a lion around without the help of yet another bear. Yet another climb up the mountain. It wasn’t a lion. It was something the last bear had left behind. Even the bears, the savage lion killers can cause problems you know.
So.
I never wanted to climb the mountain. Not once. Not twice. Not thrice. Not forth. Not fifth.
Those who have never found a lion in their fridge won’t get that.
But those who have will.
I can tell you I don't want anyone coming to my home to vacuum, clean my fridge or help with other chores. I am all about my family during these times and would have the energy drained from me if you stepped in my domain and it wasn't as it should be. I appreciate these comments and situations above, however I don't feel anyone can truly coach what to do and what not to do, each person is individual and it is up to the individual how to deal with it. Just love and support us and let us dictate/request what we need. This is my own personal experience with Cancer, and it may be just mine alone, that is fine. No wrong or right way.
I am so glad for the survivors and their families. I am thankful that I have more time. Cancer defines no one, only we can define our course. Huge support for all that are going through or have gone through cancer, either their own cancer or that of friends and family.
Personally, I am a stronger and healthier person because of it, so I am thankful for my experience. And I thank God for my strength, my family and my caring friends, however they express themselves. I felt loved by each and every one, no matter what that said, did or didn't do.